Mwendwa Mbaabu’s Testimony

Delivered from years of trauma, new-age spiritual deception, alcoholism, LGBTQ lies, sexual bondage, and self-destructive habits to total freedom in Christ Jesus.

I was dead and I am alive again; was lost and now I’m found!

My life is a living testimony of the saving and redeeming power of the blood of Jesus Christ for even the worst of backsliders. My journey with Jesus for 20 years was filled with perpetual backsliding because I did not fully understand the love of God (because of childhood trauma) and the fact that salvation was not based on my works. I allowed condemnation over and over to take me away from God. But glory to the Lord Jesus because he promises to keep his own from perishing and to heal our backslidings!

“Return, you backsliding children, And I will heal your backslidings.” “Indeed, we do come to You, For You are the LORD our God.” Jeremiah 3:22, “I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them out of My hand. My Father who has given them to Me is greater than all. No one can snatch them out of My Father’s hand” John 10:28-29

Childhood Trauma

Born in the early 80s, my childhood was traumatic- riddled with chaos, feelings of abandonment and rejection, low self-esteem, self-loathing, sadness, torment, and despair. This was occasioned by living with an alcoholic father who was emotionally and physically abusive to my mother, and emotionally, physically, and financially absent from his kids and family, especially as his drinking took root. Growing up I lived to witness the gross effects of sin on the individual and family and was very sad, depressed, and suicidal, especially starting from my teen years.

My suicide attempt and Dad’s suicide

I attempted suicide when I was 15 by taking a bunch of pills seeking to escape it all. I did not understand why God would allow my life to be so miserable and I often told him I did not ask to be born and wanted to die. I did not understand spiritual things, having never had anyone teach them to me and having been brought up in a religious methodist family with no training in the ways of Christ and hardly any church attendance. I thought death was the answer, but once my suicide attempt failed it dawned on me clear as day that I would have gone to hell. This did not get rid of my desire for death and my depression, but it did take suicide off the table. Instead, I begged God to kill me for years because I saw no joy in living.

My father committed suicide when I was 17. It was a very sad time for our family, and I continued to struggle with and was diagnosed with severe clinical depression, OCD, and social anxiety. I had low self-esteem, rejection, self-hate, intense fear, and suicidal ideations, and I struggled with sexual identity issues (feeling more masculine than feminine) and bondage.

Born again, pregnancy, and backsliding into abominations, suicidal ideations, and severe depression

I was born again when I was 20, in the year 2002 after an abortion which left me consumed with guilt and anguish. I was alone at home and a heavy conviction came upon me reflecting upon my life and my sins, I turned on the TV where the sinner’s prayer was being offered by a Television preacher and I repeated it. My life was changed, and I experienced the new birth found in Christ Jesus and became very active in evangelism and at a local church.

However, my faith was still deeply rooted in “works” and I did not have a full understanding of the fact that salvation was fully by grace and I did not have to earn God’s love and favor. Not having grown up feeling loved, I did not understand the idea of God’s love being unconditional. Instead, I felt that I had to earn it. I always felt unworthy of God’s love and compared myself to others in the church a lot; I had a lot of rejection and abandonment issues from my childhood and always felt unworthy of love.

A year later I was miserable and tired of my constant performance and never feeling good enough and stopped attending church and praying. I got pregnant soon after at 22 and turned from God even more feeling like I had failed him. For the next 5 years, I lived a worldly life of drinking, and sex, and even explored the lesbian lifestyle briefly because I hated men. Demons manipulated and controlled my life. Sexual perversion seemed to be the twisted way I thought I could find any form of pleasure and acceptance.

These things left me empty and miserable and I knew they were wrong. I was constantly suicidal all these years and by 2009 I was losing my mind. I would hear voices telling me to throw myself down the stairs at work or throw myself in front of moving traffic. I was very self-destructive and in perpetual torment. The conviction of the Holy Spirit was still with me, and by the age of 29 I couldn’t live with myself anymore, but I felt too far gone for God to want anything to do with me. However, one night on July 7th, 2009 at the end of my rope, I cried out to God in deep repentance in my room and he changed me and set me free from all the perversion, alcohol, and worldliness instantly.

Coming back to Jesus, cults, and being sexually groomed by an ‘Apostle’

Sadly, this was not to be the end of my backsliding. For the next 5 years, I walked with the Lord and served faithfully in churches in worship teams, intercession, Sunday school, and evangelism, and had a personal outreach ministry to the poor, slums, and street children. However, towards the end, I had a series of bad experiences in churches, which included exposure to a cult for 3 months, and other false churches with false teachings which left me battered, bruised, rejected, and completely disillusioned with Christianity as a religion. I also got kicked out of my last church over false allegations because I was uneasy with some of the things being taught. I still loved Jesus but wanted nothing to do with organized religion because of the bad experiences and corruption I had witnessed for so many years.

In 2014, I decided to stay away from churches and follow Jesus away from organized Christianity. However, isolated, wounded, and a lone sheep, I found myself an easy prey to the devil. Apostle Peter tells us in 1 Peter 5:8, to “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour”.

The devil brought this ‘Apostle’ in wolf clothing who seemed to sympathize with and understand me. He effectively won my trust and confidence at this time, but I did not know he was grooming me for a sexual encounter that took place months later once he had gained my complete trust. That experience traumatized me and left me completely shattered, and broken, and I shut the door to Christianity firmly in my mind. Satan had gotten me where he wanted me.

The guilt, and torment of this experience made me hate both myself and anyone calling themselves a ‘man of God’ or Christian. So far my experience with ‘men of God’ was terrible, with most not being anything like Christ but more like Satan. I had always wanted to please God and had this ideal picture of the world. I thought Christians were who they said they were. Having come from a traumatic family background and sinful past, I thought the church would be the place to find Christ-like people. The bad experiences I went through in churches traumatized me and I just became disillusioned with Christianity.

But I still loved Jesus because from having studied his word and had a relationship with him, I knew that he was loving, merciful, and sincere, and had delivered me from so much and loved me when no one else did. I felt I had betrayed him after what happened with this Apostle and I effectively hid from him.

Descent into darkness and satanic deception

Jesus warned, “When an unclean spirit goes out of a man, he goes through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none. Then he says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when he comes, he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that man is worse than the first. So shall it also be with this wicked generation.” Matthew 12:43-45 This is what happened to me.

Without the defense of a strong walk with the Lord, and armed with condemnation and guilt, I found myself worse than before, engaged in terrible sexual immorality and perversions, involved in the LGBTQ lifestyle again, on and off, feminism, gender identity confusion, drunkenness, all manner of filth, and this time opened the door to spiritual deception as well which is idolatry.

I began accepting and embracing new-age spiritual beliefs which seemed to offer me some semblance of a relationship with God since I no longer identified as a Christian. Over the next 9 years, these new-age spiritual beliefs had taken deep hold of me and I became a ‘spiritual’ teacher in the metaphysical, law of attraction, new age, and new thought community. Between 2020-2022, I published 3 books and had clients and a growing following on social media. The devil anointed me to do this work because I was very good at it. The ideas I taught were inspired and seemed to flow from somewhere beyond me which convinced me that it must be God’s plan for my life. I had stopped believing in hell and believed we were all on a path to remembering our oneness with God.

My spiritual beliefs consisted of a mix of Gnosticism, new-thought Christianity, metaphysics, mysticism, alienology, law of attraction, Hinduism, Buddhism, eastern philosophy, and much more. I had embraced beliefs such as non-dualism, star seed beliefs, astrology, reincarnation, Christ-consciousness, belief in the existence of extraterrestrials, oneness, and belief that all paths led to God. I thought I had found the ultimate truth and my purpose in life, but was deeply deceived. I still incorporated Jesus in all my teachings because I believed he was real from my past as a Christian and could not deny that, but I had been deceived to view him as an ascended master guru rather than THE only savior and way to God. Therefore I had the wrong Jesus and was in deep witchcraft and idolatry, which god calls abominations.

Alcoholism and self-destruction

I had also gradually developed a drinking problem and by 2022 was a full-blown alcoholic unable to save myself despite years of trying everything I could. My new-age spiritual beliefs could not save me and my discontent only grew. I knew only Jesus could help me, and I cried out to him for help over and over. Finally at my lowest point when I was admitted to an addiction rehabilitation treatment center, in utter despair and hopelessness, having given up on all self-help, I cried out to the Lord Jesus a few days after my admission in utter despair and surrender and the Lord Jesus set me free instantly and miraculously from all desire to drink alcohol and the sexual bondage that had plagued me for years.

While at rehab I began to pray and study the teachings of Jesus in the bible daily. The spiritual deception took another year to be free from because I still believed I was on the right path. However, Jesus was slowly opening my blinded eyes.

The scales fall from my eyes

Jesus eventually showed me that the hell I had grown to deny was real and that I was heading there. He used the near-death Hell experiences of atheists to open my eyes. By April 2023 the word of God and the grace of the Lord Jesus had done their work and Jesus opened my eyes it seemed almost overnight to see how greatly deceived and blinded by the devil I had been. Testimonies of other former new-agers, especially Doreen Virtue a former best-selling and internationally known new age teacher who found the Lord, were also used by the Lord to reach me. Through a convicting work only the Holy Spirit can perform, I was shown the depth of my deception of almost 10 years and how I had turned to other gods. It felt like I had woken up from a deep sleep and seen the great error and depravity of my ways.

I truly was like the prodigal son Jesus talked about in Luke 15:11-32. I had wasted all I had in prodigal and wasteful living. Jesus said that the prodigal son “came to himself“, and said, “I will arise and go to my father.” Jesus opened my eyes, set me free from years of sin and deception, and revived my first love for him which had been lost. (Revelations 2:4)

Repentance, deliverance, restitution, and holiness

Through godly sorrow and a process of deep repentance and deliverance which involved months of sorrowful repentance, prayer, self-deliverance, study of God’s word, and penitent fasting, I left my old life behind completely. It was clear I could not maintain my old life and a walk with Jesus. In obedience, I left it all behind to follow Jesus (Luke 5:11). This included pulling down my books from Amazon, deleting my old social media accounts, and all my articles on my website. I also made a public confession to my followers on social media and to my clients making it clear I could no longer teach what I had been because it was a lie and I had gotten born again.

It was not easy and there were many consequences to this change-financially, socially, and emotionally. Sin and rebellion always have consequences. But Jesus promised to be with me always if I obeyed him and he has. I refunded my clients their funds, made restitution to those I had harmed, and turned away from my old ways completely. Jesus also helped me change the way I dressed and everything about my physical appearance which had been driven by vanity, seduction, and immorality, and taught me about godly femininity and modesty.

Jesus has changed my life and delivered me from the deep bondage of my past and backsliding. My rebellion, vanity, backsliding, and abominable sins led me to great suffering and bondage for years and placed me on the road to eternity in hell.  But once I turned back and sincerely repented and mourned for my sins, Jesus forgave me, washed me, and changed me and continues to through the washing of the water by his word. Jesus is a faithful high priest and shepherd who will keep all those who place all their trust in him. But he also requires holiness and complete obedience from us because his sheep obey his voice.

“Wherefore he is able also to save them to the uttermost that comes unto God by him, seeing he ever liveth to make intercession for them.” Hebrews 7:25 

I give glory to God for opening my eyes when I was greatly deceived. I am grateful for his mercy, long suffering, and kindness. He did not allow me to die and perish in my pitiful state. I was dead and now am alive again, was blind but now I see. Jesus Christ truly came to set the captives free.

“My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father’s hand. I and My Father are one.” Jesus in John 10:28-30

“For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found” Luke 15:24

Return O Backsliders!

If you are backslidden, like I was, or lost in new-age deceptions, I pray this testimony draws you to Jesus. Do not be like I was and waste years in backsliding and deception because the time of grace may run out. Sin has a high price to pay, much of which I am still paying today in much spiritual warfare. It is not worth it.

Jesus is coming back soon, just as he promised 2000 years ago! My testimony is not to encourage you to sin because of God’s grace, but to repent because of His grace. If I had died in my sin I would have gone to hell. Now is the day of salvation. Jesus said, “My sheep follow me, and I give them eternal life.” It is only by following and obeying him that we shall have eternal life.

Jesus Christ died, taking the punishment that sinners deserved, and became a ransom for us (Matthew 20:28). He was buried, and on the third day rose again, triumphing over sin and death on the cross, taking the keys of death and hell, that whosoever believes in him, shall not perish but have eternal life. Those who look to him receive his life in exchange for theirs, being reconciled to God. May you be granted grace to look to him and be saved.

I pray that this testimony is used by the Holy Spirit to draw you to repentance and that you too would find the freedom from sin and damnation that is only available through Jesus Christ. The devil only comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but Jesus came and died for us so that we may have life in abundance and eternally (John 10:10). Jesus is the only way to the Father. Time is short; we are in the last days and Jesus is coming back soon and desires us to be found living wholly for him in holiness. “Without holiness, no man shall see God” Hebrews 12:14. We must leave all and follow him (Luke 5:11).

Grace to you and peace from God our Father, and the Lord Jesus Christ.

If this testimony blesses you, please share it with your friends, on your socials, and with anyone who needs to know the Lord Jesus Christ. 

I am available to share my testimony in more detail to win souls for Jesus and help others find freedom. Feel free to contact me here

You can Download my testimony as a PDF to share as an evangelism tract and message here.

If you would like to be born again and receive Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, click here.

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Read my article, New Age to Jesus; New-Age Deception” which I wrote immediately after repentance which exposes some of the lies of the New-age movement.

Read my article, At Rock Bottom, the Only Way is Up! What Alcoholism Taught Me where I share lessons from my journey with and complete freedom from Alcoholism.

Steven Bancarz a former new age practitioner saved and delivered by Jesus Christ exposes the new age teachings in the interview below in a more eloquent way than I could. At 19 years old, Steven Bancarz dedicated his life to New Age beliefs and shared his spiritual wisdom with his blog community, where 200,000 to 300,000 people visited his site per day. Hear him below:

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